Valued

"There's something I need to tell you." She said
"I think I'm falling in love."
He smiled. It seemed cute.
"I stayed up till two last night, talking to him,
messaging him."
He smiled. He told her things will work out for her.

"I want to hold his hand."
She messaged him.
"I can't resist it."
He smiled, but his brain seemed to be playing tricks with him this time.

"Hey! how have you been?" She said a few days later.
"Been to a lunch meeting. How are you?" he asked.
"Hold on a sec please, he's on the other line. Will call you back."
She said and hung up.

He waited for hours without getting her call.
Two days later they met again.
He had stolen off 2 hours for her.
Cancelled meetings, held up assignments.

She didn't say it, but he knew he was her best friend.
Her phone rang.
And she began to talk.
She gave him his ipod.
He stuck it in his ear, but didn't switch on the music.
Just lay there shaking his head, so she can speak.
She spoke and spoke and spoke.

For nearly an hour, till he decided
that even his time for being a best friend,
had value.
He said "fuck you" and wanted to walk out.
When he realized,
that it wasn't his time,
but her, that he valued... and saw slipping away.

Till today, he regrets
that no one stays up late at night to talk to him,
no one cuts another call to talk to him,
no one keeps another waiting
cause his time is of more value.
There is nothing that hurts him more than to know
that he has a little lesser value...

all night talk

Will be wonderful to go

And kill myself in the snow

Wish I could be

worth talking all nightie!

I know it's a hopeless attempt at rhyme

In this futile pantomime...

Gotcha!

There is a dry, withered flower,

On the dashboard of my car

Last night I opened the window

And it flew out.

I braked, and ran out like a madman after it,

It danced and laughed in the wind

But I got it and brought it back

Smiling at it "gotcha!"

I saw a little boy staring at me

from the roadside

I must have seemed fascinating to him

Or plain insane.

Laugh

I slept hoping for a wake-less sleep,

And Awoke from a sleepless sleep,

Looked at my bloodshot eyes in the mirror,

Hair I had torn in frustration all night,

And the saddest expression in the world stared back at me.

Someone told me once,

"Can YOU feel sad?

When you do,

Just look at the mirror

And see how ridiculous you look."

I did look ridiculous

And I got smiling

At the absurdity of it all

The smile got wider

I tried to feel more sorry for myself

My smile broke into a grin

I tried to convince myself

that I was worth sympathy

And between the grin I heard a giggle.

And broke into a laugh.

"What are you laughing about?"

My mother asked me.

"A joke I remembered"

I said.

"Whatever you are laughing about,

It is good to hear you laugh,

Anything is better than the way you have been

The past few days."

I hope this laugh stays with me

But I'll not look into the mirror when I laugh

Cause it looks scary.

Broken

I said I'm broken

And want to let them know I'm broken

And she said

Don't let them know I broke you...

I broke further...

Maybe

He stood at the platform

And remembered his friend say

"It is easy if you get used to it,

Just stand at the entrance,

And you'll get pushed inside.

Stand at the exit and you'll get pushed out.

Mumbai trains

Are easy to use."

He lay there,

Fallen beside the track,

Giddy.

Got up.

Waited for the train to pass.

To get back on the platform.

He had stood there at the entrance,

Got pushed in

And pushed out of the other door.

And landed on gravel.

Next time someone tells you

That something is easy

Just smile "Maybe"

Deactivate myself

Deactivated

in a click,

All the pictures,

Poetry,

Memory,

New found friends,

Just a click

And they were gone.

He had no traces of them left,

Anywhere.

He sat looking at the screen,

For a long time,

Absent minded.

Thinking

Now if only he could

click once more

and be deactivated too...

"Amma tells you that she has dance practise

You have to make coffee for yourself

And get me ready for school"

He turned to see his five year old

Looking at him

with that exasperated eyes of her mother,

Chiding him for being so absent minded all the time.

He picked her up

sat her on his lap

Ran his fingers through her curly angel hair

And mused

"Deactivate myself...?"

Even if you hate living,

For some of us,

It is a curse.

She stepped out

The light turned red.

I stopped the car.

We had spent the morning together.

We had got a full one and a half hours,

And I was in bliss.

"I can't live a moment without you"

She said

squeezing my hand

The light turned green,

In a few minutes from now,

She would get off.

"How will you spend your time?"

She asked.

"Don't worry, I'll find things to do,

There's anyway lots I have to do"

I said, sounding casual.

I couldn't see her go,

The time she stepped out of my car

Is the time I wanted her back the most

And my mind exploded at that moment,

Everytime.

"How long will it take you?"

I asked

Hiding the choking within my voice

"An hour, an hour and a half"

She said,

squeezed my hand again

And got out.

I sat at the coffee shop.

Looking at dried flowers

falling from a tree,

withered...

A couple sat at the other table

Cozying up closer

Clicking pictures of each other

I knew I'd never be able to take pictures of her with me

Even if she didn't stop me

That was an unwritten rule I had read in her eyes

One day, she would be gone

And I'd not have a picture of ours together

I looked at my watch

An hour had passed

And each second I had grown more restless

Missing her,

Wanting her back

I was sure she too must be thinking of me,

Wanting to be back in my arms,

To be cradled and nursed...

I ordered a second coffee

A salesman from across the wall called out to me

He had some incense sticks in hand

"Buy one of them"

He said, more like a command

I nodded my head and turned away

I could hear him leave,

Cursing me under his breath.

I looked at my watch again.

It was nearly two hours.

I looked at my phone.

I had done it hundreds of times in the last two hours.

Hoping to read "Will be done in ten minutes"

Or "Sorry I'm getting late. Will get out of here soon and text you."

Or atleast "I'm missing you."

It was past two and a half hours now.

I hoped she hadn't lost her mobile.

Or hadn't run into traffic in her absent mindedness

Oh god please no!

Why can't she be more careful.

Finally the mobile rang

I jumped at it.

"Can you pick me up in ten mins?"

It said.

A rush of relief and joy.

I signaled to the waiter to bring my cheque

I was desperate to leave,

To have her back by my side.

I was back with her now,

We were driving

And she said "I've to go home, mom called."

My mind went blank.

"Should I drop you straight home?

"I think you should.."

I did.

"I wish you had finished your meeting earlier,

We could have spent more time together"

I said.

"I didn't spend any more time than was needed."

She said.

If we had a picture together,

It would kill me each time to look at it.

Since we had none,

Her picture was in my heart

And a little bit of my heart died with every beat

Trying to bring the picture to my eye.

She stepped out,

The light turned green.

This blogging thing

OK. Finally I'm here too,

I wonder where this will take me.

I didn't when I loved you too,

And look where it brought me.